I wrote this on Saturday night. It is unedited and I didn’t even read through it before I’m hitting PUBLISH. Sometimes editing things takes away the rawness of the writing.
Tonight (we have a church service on Saturday evenings called Alive at 5:35) the message was given by a very dear lady. It was on forgiveness. That really got me to thinking about forgiveness.
I was recently told that forgiveness is a constant act that we must commit to. When people talk about how difficult it is to forgive someone who has truly wronged them it scares me.
You see, I don’t think of forgiveness as something I am doing for the offender, but for myself. To me it’s an act of moving forward…of releasing the hold that person has on me…of putting the hurt and the pain behind me. I don’t find forgiveness hard.
That worries me. I am asking myself right now, Do I not understand the gravity of what some of those people did to me? Maybe I haven’t forgiven them at all. Maybe I’m ignoring my true feelings. I know that it probably sounds trivial to some people. But I am really concerned about it. The Bible is very specific about forgiveness. If you don’t give it you won’t receive it. So tonight I am searching my heart for answers.
I know some people will think that I just haven’t experienced true heart ache or pain. Not true. I was raised by a terribly depressed, alcoholic mother that dabbled in drugs and brought many men home. I was physically abused for years by my first step-father and watched my second one beat my mother regularly for two years until we had to run and hide from him.
Now I’m wondering why I feel like I’ve forgiven these people. How? I know they don’t deserve it. Except my mother who asked for forgiveness a few years before she passed away. I’m asking myself if I should have forgiven them.