I was just laying in bed listening while my husband practiced his music for tomorrow night’s church service and I was brought to tears. Ben was singing this song about Jesus on the cross and I really started to think about how horrible that time must have felt for Him.
I know as a mother how it feels to be completely unappreciated. How there are days that you want to just walk out the door and leave and never ever come back. I know how it feels to be the kid everyone else makes fun of and teases and the other kids don’t want to be your friend for fear that they’ll be next. I know what it feels like to be rejected and abused. I hide even from yourself to stop the hurt and fear.
So I can’t even imagine how completely alone and horrible Christ must have felt as he waited for that time to come all the while knowing it was coming; knowing His closest friends would reject Him and deny Him; knowing He would be abandoned by all of mankind, not just on that day but in all of the days to come.
I can never know how it must have felt for Him to know that He had done nothing to deserve what was happening to Him, the beatings, the torture, and yet He was taking our punishment for our sins knowing that we would never stop sinning. He didn’t just take our punishment though. Christ even asked His father to forgive us “for they know not what they do.” Even in His most horrible moments, He thought of us…forgave us…asked for Grace for US. And thinking about all of that made me cry. I cried for His pain and anguish. I cried because I do things that must make Him feel as though I have turned my back on Him. I cried because I know that I have broken the heart of God probably many times. And I reach out and grasp His grace. I cling to it. I cherish His grace because I use it every single day. I know that I am terrible and undeserving and yet He gives it to me freely, the only condition is that I accept it.
I am forgiven. I am loved. I am cherished. And I cry again.